1. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

2. Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

3. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

4. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

5. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

6. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

7. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."

8. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

The tides advance; the tides recede. Winter goes and summer comes. summer wanes and the cold increases. The sun rises; the sun sets. The moon is full; the moon is black. The birds arrive;the birds depart. Flowers bloom; flowers fade.Seeds are sown; harvests are reaped. all nature is a circle of moods and I am a part of nature and so,like the tides, my moods will rise; my moods will fall.

Today I will be master of my emotions.
It is one of nature's tricks, little understood,that each day I awaken with moods that have changed from yesterday. Yesterday's joy wilI become today's sadness; yet today's sadness will grow into tomorrow's joy. Inside me is a wheel,constantly turning from sadness to joy, from exultation to depression, from happiness to melancholy. Like the flowers, today's full bloom of joy will fade and wither into despondency, yet I will remember that as today's dead flower carries the seed of tomorrow's bloom so, too, does today's sadness carry the seed of tomorrow's joy.

Today I will be master of my emotions.
And how will I master these emotions so that each day will be productive? For unless my mood is right the day will be a failure. Trees and plants depend on the weather to flourish but I make my own weather, yea I transport it with me. If I bring rain and gloom and darkness and pessimism to my customers then they will react with rain and gloom and darkness and pessimism and they will purchase naught. If I bring joy and enthusiasm and brightness and laughter to my customers they will react with joy and enthusiasm and brightness and laughter and my weather will produce a harvest of sales and a granary of gold for me.

Today I will be master of my emotions.
And how will I master my emotions so that every day is a happy day, and a productive one? I will learn this secret of the ages: Weak is he who permits his thoughts to control his actions; strong is he who forces his actions to control his thoughts. Each day, when I awaken, I will follow this plan of battle before I am captured by the forces of sadness, self-pity and failure-

If I feel depressed I will sing.
If I feel sad I will laugh.
If I feel ill I will double my labor.
If I feel fear I will plunge ahead.
If I feel inferior I will wear new garments.
If I feel uncertain I will raise my voice.
If I feel poverty I will think of wealth to come.
If I feel incompetent I will remember past success.
If I feel insignificant I will remember my goals.

Today I will be master of my emotions.
Henceforth, I will know that only those with inferior ability can always be at their best, and I am not inferior. There will be days When I must IN THE WORLD constantly struggle against forces which would tear me down. Those such as despair and sadness are simple to recognize but there are others which approach with a smile and the hand of friendship and they can also destroy me. Against them, too, I must never relinquish control-

If I become overconfident I will recall my failures.
If I overindulge I will think of past hungers.
If I feel complacency I will remember my competition.
If I enjoy moments of greatness I will remember moments of shame.
If I feel all-powerful I will try to stop the wind.
lf I attain great wealth I will remember one unfed mouth.
If l become overly proud I will remember a moment of weakness.
If I feel my skill is unmatched I will look at the stars.

Today I will be master of my emotions.
And with this new knowledge I will also understand and recognize the moods of him on whom I call. I will make allowances for his anger and irritation of today for he knows not the secret of controlling his mind. I can withstand his arrows and insults for now I know that tomorrow he will change and be a joy to approach.
No longer will l judge a man on one meeting;no longer will I fail to call again tomorrow on he who meets me with hate today. This day he will not buy gold chariots for a penny, yet tomorrow he would exchange his home for a tree. My knowledge of this secret will be my key to great wealth.

Today l will be master of my emotions.
Henceforth I will recognize and identify the mystery of moods in all mankind, and in me.From this moment I am prepared to control whatever personality awakes in me each day. I will master my moods through positive action and when I master my moods I will control my destiny.
Today I control my destiny, and my destiny is to become the greatest salesman in the world!
I will become master of myself.
I wi1l become great.

When someone you know is going through a hard time such as the death of a loved one, job loss or divorce, knowing what to do can be tricky and awkward. That’s why we went to an expert—Darcie Sims, PhD, director of the American Grief Academy and author of multiple books such as Finding Your Way Through Grief—to find out the best ways to offer support.

1. Do something. Most people have no idea what to say and they think silence is the best option. They don’t realize that silence is one of the most painful things bereaved people can experience. It’s never too late to express care and concern; whether it’s a week, month or even a year later.

2. Make it personal. A handwritten note (not an e-mail, Facebook message or tweet!) or phone call makes a huge difference. Simply tell the person, “There are no words that will make this better, but I want you to know that I’m here and I care about you.”

3. Never, ever say, “I understand,” no matter what. Even if you think you do, you don’t. Just be there to listen if the person wants to talk.

4. Replace “but” with “and.” When you put the word “but” in the middle of a sentence, you negate the first part. For example, if someone lost a job, don’t say, “I know this is hard right now, but I know you have the strength to figure it out.” Instead, use “and” in that sentence to make it a lot more comforting.

5. Follow up. Continue to check in with people weeks and months after a hardship via phone, e-mail or a note. Let them know you’re still thinking about them. It will only cost you a few seconds and possibly a stamp, but it makes an impact on someone who is most likely still suffering.

Dr. Sims’ bottom line: Just. Show. Up. No one usually remembers who was at a funeral, they only remember who wasn’t there. In whatever way you can, show that person you are there for him or her.

Once a circle missed a wedge.The circle wanted to be whole£¬so it went around looking for its missing piece.But because it was incomplete and therefore could roll only very slowly£¬it admired the flowers along the way.It chatted with worms.It enjoyed the sunshine.It found lots of different pieces£¬but none of them fit.So it left them all by the side of the road and kept on searching.Then one day the circle found a piece that fit perfectly.It was so happy.Now it could be whole£¬with nothing missing.It incorporated the missing piece into itself and began to roll.Now that it was a perfect circle£¬it could roll very fast£¬too fast to notice the flowers or talking to the worms.When it realized how different the world seemed when it rolled so quickly£¬it stopped£¬left its found piece by the side of the road and rolled slowly away.

The lesson of the story£¬I suggested£¬was that in some strange sense we are more whole when we are missing something.The man who has everything is in some ways a poor man.He will never know what it feels like to yearn£¬to hope£¬to nourish his soul with the dream of something better.He will never know the experience of having someone who loves him give him something he has always wanted or never had.

There is a wholeness about the person who has come to terms with his limitations£¬who has been brave enough to let go of his unrealistic dreams and not feel like a failure for doing so.There is a wholeness about the man or woman who has learned that he or she is strong enough to go through a tragedy and survive£¬who can lose someone and still feel like a complete person.

Life is not a trap set for us by God so that he can condemn us for failing.Life is not a spelling bee£¬where no matter how many words you’ve gotten right£¬you’re disqualified if you make one mistake.Life is more like a baseball season£¬where even the best team loses one-third of its games and even the worst team has its days of brilliance.Our goal is to win more games than we lose.

When we accept that imperfection is part of being human£¬and when we can continue rolling through life and appreciate it£¬we will have achieved a wholeness that others can only aspire to.That£¬I believe£¬is what God asks of us--not “Be perfect”£¬not “Don’t even make a mistake”£¬but “Be whole.”

If we are brave enough to love£¬strong enough to forgive£¬generous enough to rejoice in another’s happiness£¬and wise enough to know there is enough love to go around for us all£¬then we can achieve a fulfillment that no other living creature will ever know.

However mean your life is,meet it and live it ;do not shun it and call it hard names.It is not so bad as you are.It looks poorest when you are richest.The fault-finder will find faults in paradise.Love your life,poor as it is.You may perhaps have some pleasant,thrilling,glorious hourss,even in a poor-house.

The setting sun is reflected from the windows of the alms-house as brightly as from the rich man's abode;the snow melts before its door as early in the spring.I do not see but a quiet mind may live as contentedly there,and have as cheering thoughts,as in a palace.The town's poor seem to me often to live the most independent lives of any.May be they are simply great enough to receive without misgiving.

Most think that they are above being supported by the town;but it often happens that they are not above supporting themselves by dishonest means.which should be more disreputable.Cultivate poverty like a garden herb,like sage.Do not trouble yourself much to get new things,whether clothes or friends,Turn the old,return to them.Things do not change;we change.Sell your clothes and keep your thoughts.