When someone you know is going through a hard time such as the death of a loved one, job loss or divorce, knowing what to do can be tricky and awkward. That’s why we went to an expert—Darcie Sims, PhD, director of the American Grief Academy and author of multiple books such as Finding Your Way Through Grief—to find out the best ways to offer support.

1. Do something. Most people have no idea what to say and they think silence is the best option. They don’t realize that silence is one of the most painful things bereaved people can experience. It’s never too late to express care and concern; whether it’s a week, month or even a year later.

2. Make it personal. A handwritten note (not an e-mail, Facebook message or tweet!) or phone call makes a huge difference. Simply tell the person, “There are no words that will make this better, but I want you to know that I’m here and I care about you.”

3. Never, ever say, “I understand,” no matter what. Even if you think you do, you don’t. Just be there to listen if the person wants to talk.

4. Replace “but” with “and.” When you put the word “but” in the middle of a sentence, you negate the first part. For example, if someone lost a job, don’t say, “I know this is hard right now, but I know you have the strength to figure it out.” Instead, use “and” in that sentence to make it a lot more comforting.

5. Follow up. Continue to check in with people weeks and months after a hardship via phone, e-mail or a note. Let them know you’re still thinking about them. It will only cost you a few seconds and possibly a stamp, but it makes an impact on someone who is most likely still suffering.

Dr. Sims’ bottom line: Just. Show. Up. No one usually remembers who was at a funeral, they only remember who wasn’t there. In whatever way you can, show that person you are there for him or her.